Want a Healthy Relationship? Why Setting Boundaries Can Help You Get There
We often take boundaries for granted. Good boundaries have a way of fading into the background and becoming almost invisible. Kids at recess are protected by the boundaries of the fence, which keep them from venturing out into dangerous roads. Their behavior is monitored by the watchful eyes of their teachers.
Boundaries create a sense of safety. Counterintuitively, that safety creates the freedom to explore and play. With those teachers watching, kids are free to get a little dangerous on the monkey bars, or kick around a soccer ball and jostle with each other. Whether they know it or not, they rely on those boundaries to keep them safe, and they know that if they do something too dangerous, there will be someone there to pull them back.
Relationships are the same. Setting boundaries helps you understand what behaviors are okay. How someone respects your boundaries lets you know who they are. Are they taking advantage of you, or are they considering how their actions affect you?
Setting Priorities
Whether you’re with someone or not, you can start the process of creating boundaries by getting to know yourself. This means taking time to understand who you are and what you want. Everything in your life competes for your time, and it’s valuable to know how those things stack up. Too often, we lose track of ourselves when we’re in a relationship. New relationships arrive as a hurricane, pushing out hobbies and friendships.
Many people find it helpful to sit down with a journal and set out their priorities:
How important is this romantic relationship to me?
What am I going to do to carve out time for my friends?
Are there hobbies or interests I need my partner to share?
What hobbies or interests can I maintain on my own?
How important is it to me that we share the same religion?
Knowing Your Needs
Boundaries benefit your relationships by helping you understand what matters to you. They’re an important tool for developing an idea of what kind of relationship you want. This doesn’t mean that you should expect every aspect of your relationship to be perfect. It does mean you should expect your relationships to meet certain standards.
Consider the following questions:
What do I want from a relationship?
How much time do I expect from my partner?
What are my sexual and physical needs and boundaries?
Is a romantic relationship a priority in my life?
What are “off-limits” behaviors that bother me?
What are behaviors that I’m not willing to give up?
These questions are all important steps in understanding what you’re looking for.
Communication
A key part of setting healthy boundaries is making sure you communicate them to your partner. This means sitting down and talking about your wants and needs. It also means listening to them in order to understand what their expectations are as well. While it’s very likely there may be areas of conflict, it’s important to treat this as a problem-solving exercise.
You aren’t trying to win an argument. Your goal is to create a life together. One that will make you both feel satisfied, happy, and secure.
Objective Observation
It’s easy to get caught up in the romance and overlook red flags. That’s why it’s important to take a step back, away from any excuses or mitigating circumstances. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to take stock of things:
Is this person honest with me?
Do they consider my feelings?
Am I safe with them?
What do they expect from me?
Does this person satisfy my spiritual needs?
Are we looking for the same things?
Do I feel emotionally connected to this person?
If you’ve taken the time to understand and communicate your boundaries, they become an early warning system letting you know when you aren’t being treated with respect.
Counseling
Often, it’s easier said than done to set boundaries—especially if you’re already in a relationship. There are tons of great workbooks and activities out there to help couples work through things, but you don’t have to be married or coupled up to start setting boundaries. Reach out for more information on how therapy or counseling can help you create the conditions for a healthier relationship in couples therapy or relationship counseling.