Premarital Counseling
Are You And Your Fiancé Trying To Figure Out If You’re The Right Match?
Have you and your significant other been planning to get married, but you find yourselves having second thoughts? Are you not confident that your relationship will last? Do you worry that the differences between you will turn out to be dealbreakers?
Maybe one of you is very goal-driven and career-oriented and the other is not. Perhaps there are religious disagreements between you—your walk with God is nothing like your fiancé’s. You may have wildly different ideas about raising children or God’s purpose for marriage. Deep down, you probably just wish you could bank on “Happily Ever After,” but there are too many uncertainties in the way right now.
When You’re About To Tie The Knot, There Are A Lot Of Important Topics To Discuss
It’s all too easy to get caught up in the mushy-gushy aspects of a relationships and forget to talk about the serious stuff. Emotions have a way of fogging facts. But when you’re planning to tie the knot and spend your lives together, there are a lot of important conversations you should have. What are your expectations for money, sex, church, and kids? Who will you spend your holidays with? Do you want to own a house or rent forever?
Premarital counseling is a time to think out loud about these questions with a Christian therapist who wants the best for you and your fiancé. My goal is to provide a safe space where you can ask tough questions and figure out if you want to get married or slow things down for a while.
Many Couples Commit To Marriage Before They Explore Each Other’s Expectations
Whether we know it or not, there are so many unspoken expectations that we all bring to a relationship. Most of these expectations are rooted in what we saw in our parents. When we grew up, maybe Dad took care of the car, Mom took care of the household chores, and weekends were supposed to be family time. But if our significant other grew up in a different type of home, it’s only natural that they’ll have different ideas about marriage and family.
Unfortunately, a lot of couples take these expectations for granted. Many of them don’t take the time to really think about how different their perspectives are. During the infatuation stage, people tend to rush in and commit to their significant other without exploring the other person’s deepest expectations and beliefs. This inevitably leads to friction in a relationship—two people can only brush their disagreements aside for so long.
Being in love is great. But when it comes to marriage, it’s important to be realistic. Premarital counseling is a chance for couples to sit down and work through their hang-ups before they tie the knot. This can prevent further conflict down the road and strengthen their relationship for years to come.
Premarital Counseling Can Help You And Your Fiancé Feel Confident About Your Future Together
Let’s be honest: part of you probably wishes a therapist could assure you that your relationship is guaranteed to last. While I can’t wave a magic wand and predict the future, I can help you and your significant other identify your differences and figure out your strengths.
It’s good to be aware of your relationship’s weak spots, but I encourage you not to panic over them. Just because you disagree on a few topics does not mean your marriage won’t work out. The important thing is that you recognize your differences and anticipate the ways they’ll affect your relationship. This can help you create confidence in your future together.
What To Expect In Premarital Therapy Sessions
Before the first session, I will have you and your fiancé take the Symbis assessment. This is a premarital evaluation that reviews all the different aspects of your relationship (how you were raised, when you want to get married, what your caution flags are entering marriage, etc.). After that, we will do five sessions together to discuss the results and create a roadmap going forward.
Once the initial five sessions are done, you and your fiancé can purchase more sessions to continue with therapy. The three of us can dive even deeper, exploring your views on sex, family, and everything else you want to touch on. We might also look at your fighting styles—is one of you more confrontational than the other? Does one of you tend to withdraw or shut down after a big argument? Answering these questions can help us get a fuller picture of your lives together.
Tailoring Your Counseling Plan
I draw from a wide variety of approaches in premarital counseling. To help couples work through communication issues, I use a lot of Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT). The goal of this approach is to help you communicate your feelings instead of blaming your fiancé or pointing fingers. If there is trauma or abuse in one of your lives, I may recommend Brainspotting, a form of therapy that can help you minimize the emotional impact of traumatic memories.
Ultimately, what approach I use depends on what works best for you and your significant other. I believe that you know yourselves best—my role is helping you get to know your strengths and weaknesses even better. You may not agree on everything, but that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re not a good match. After all, sometimes two puzzle pieces look nothing alike but still fit together perfectly!
You May Have Some Questions About Premarital Counseling…
What if my fiancé leaves or we find out that we’re not a match?
It’s perfectly normal to worry that things won’t work out. At the same time, whether you’re a match or not is firmly in your control. I’m not going to tell you that you’re not good for each other. I’m here to help you strengthen your relationship so that your marriage can thrive. Nonetheless, if you and your fiancé do realize that you’re not a match, wouldn’t it be better to find that out now instead of after your wedding? In this sense, premarital therapy can benefit you whether you stay together or not.
There are things about myself I haven’t revealed. Will you keep my secrets?
For premarital counseling to work, you and your fiancé have to be honest and vulnerable with each other. Secrets can only harm a relationship. I’m not going to divulge your secrets to your fiancé, but I can certainly help you figure out how to reveal them. The important thing to remember is that I do not form alliances. I’m here to help both of you do your part to improve your relationship, since that is the best way to prepare yourselves for marriage.
Can we do therapy online?
Totally! As long as you’re in California, you are more than welcome to do therapy via Zoom with me. This is especially helpful if you and your fiancé are long-distance, since you can participate in sessions from two different places at once.
Let Me Help You Prepare For Marriage
If you and your loved one want to lay a strong foundation before marriage, I encourage you to pursue counseling with me. To get started, you can use the contact page or call 951-757-9781 to schedule a free, 15-minute phone consultation.
