Is It Normal To Grieve After A Divorce?
It’s not uncommon for a divorce to elicit a whirlwind of emotions. Some people express feelings of excitement and anticipation, especially after a difficult or abusive relationship. Others feel regret, dread, or fear regarding the prospect of building a new life for themselves. What many people are not prepared for is that divorce is often accompanied by the same grieving process we experience when losing a loved one—and it is absolutely natural for us to feel that way.
Grief is how humans cope with loss, and divorce is certainly a powerful kind of loss. No matter how unhappy your marriage might have been, letting go can be fraught with conflicting emotions. In the past, you may have read about the stages of grief—those stages certainly apply when grieving divorce as well.
So is it normal? Yes. If you’re experiencing feelings of grief after your divorce, here’s what you can expect:
Grief is a Journey
First and most importantly, grief is a journey. You are moving through your grief. Your feelings will change and evolve over time. You may find yourself lingering on one leg of the journey or another before you can move on.
There are a few different models, but most people are familiar with the classic five stages of grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Do these sound familiar? Looking at them, can you pinpoint tough conversations you had with your spouse in the months, weeks, or years leading up to your divorce? If so, you’re not alone. Many of us start grieving the loss of our marriages long before the divorce papers are signed.
We push on in an unhealthy relationship even once we know that something’s not right—denial—and we get bogged down in arguments and shouting matches as we wish for it to be something other than what it is.
These feelings can be complex. Your anger might be directed at your ex, or it might be directed inward. You may spend time thinking about how you can change or do something different in the future. It’s natural for you to have these thoughts—and it’s important for you to give them room to breathe instead of suppressing them.
Processing Your Grief
There are a number of ways for you to process your feelings of grief without getting bogged down in them. It’s vital for you to look back so that you can move forward. Consider starting a diary or journal where you can express your thoughts and emotions. Understanding where your feelings of loss are coming from might help you understand what it is you want in the future:
What are you worried you’ve lost as a result of your divorce?
Are there lifestyle changes you’re afraid of or excited about?
When you got married, were there parts of yourself you gave up?
Were there parts of yourself you discovered and loved during your marriage?
When we lose a loved one, we sometimes see them through rose-colored glasses after they’re gone. It can be tempting for us to view an unhappy marriage in black & white—all good or all bad—the reality is usually much murkier than that. Viewing things in such stark contrasts can make it hard for us to get over the parts we miss. It can also make it harder for us to realize that sometimes those things aren’t lost forever.
Counseling & Support
Going through a divorce is a catalyst for tremendous change in our lives. It’s common for people to feel isolated and uncertain about connecting with friends and family. You might dread the questions and conversations that could come up. Those feelings are natural.
If you are feeling that way, it could be helpful to connect with a therapist or support group for other recently divorced people. Listening to their stories and sharing your own is a great way to go through that grieving process. You don’t have to go through this alone. Your hurt matters to me. If you need someone to talk through this process, please reach out. If you are at the end of the divorce process, individual counseling or grief counseling can help you.