As Christians, we’re taught marriage is a sacred covenant of the utmost importance. Our lives are centered around our community at church and our family bond at home. In both cases, our husbands play a central role in our relationship not just with our communities, but also with God.

Christian men are often expected to play a leadership role both in the home and outside it, which is one of the many reasons it can be so difficult for a Christian wife who discovers her husband has developed an addiction to porn.

Countless women have felt their stomachs drop when opening up their husband’s computer to discover a hidden browsing history, or catching a glimpse of pornography on his phone. In other cases, these husbands may not bother to hide their addiction, having rationalized away feelings of shame over engaging in sinful behavior.

If you’re a Christian wife whose husband is addicted to porn, you may have felt a wide range of emotions on a discovery like this. Betrayal. Anger. Shame. Inadequacy. You may wonder—you may even have been told—that this is your fault. You may feel lonely and isolated due to a lack of physical affection from your porn addicted husband.

Your faith in his leadership may be shaken.

How do we approach these feelings? How do we understand this situation? Here are some helpful things to keep in mind:

His Sin is Not Yours

The first and most important thing for you to remember his sin is not yours. In today’s internet-connected times, there’s a very good chance your husband’s relationship with pornography started long before his marriage to you. In order to help your husband, or your marriage, it is important for you to find some emotional distance from his addiction.

Understanding the origins of your husband’s relationship with pornography may help. Ask him about his history with it.

Keep the Faith

Be mindful that as a Christian, the gospel is the strongest tool at your disposal. Faith in God’s ability to heal and conquer addiction is a key component. Remember, more important than anything else is your relationship with Christ. Your husband’s behavior does not reflect you, and his struggles are an opportunity for you to show grace.

We all struggle at times with temptation. Set Boundaries. Show grace. Offer help.

Accountability & Respect

When people we view as leaders, protectors, and companions let us down, it’s easy to lose respect for them. Hold him accountable without disrespecting him. Make it clear that you support his efforts but expect him to do the work.

Communicate

Take some time and space to care for yourself. Put together a list of how your husband’s addiction impacts you and your family. Are you suffering from loneliness from a lack of affection? Has his addiction impacted your self-confidence or made it harder for you to feel comfortable with him in the bedroom?

Try appealing to his instincts as a protector. Remind him you need him. Be clear about your expectations for your marriage and your desire for the two of you to heal and renew your bond. If you need help sorting through these thoughts and boundaries therapy is a great place to start.

Counseling

Porn addiction is a serious problem in any marriage. Addiction can produce feelings of shame and isolation, making seeking help and connection difficult. Issues with arousal are embarrassing for many men, and porn addiction, in particular, can inhibit emotional connection between partners, causing resentment and loneliness.

Work together and come up with a plan for how to tackle this issue.

Consider reaching out. In my practice, I’m very open about how my Christianity informs my relationship with my clients—I’ve helped countless couples with problems just like this and would love to be of service if you’re looking for help. Reach out to me for Couples Therapy soon to get started.