Corrie Keener

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The Relationship Between Codependency and Narcissism

Anyone who’s dipped their toes in the wild world of self-help articles over the last few years has probably seen terms like codependency and narcissism being thrown around with wild abandon. Like magnets, codependents and narcissists are often drawn to each other. Frequently, they share similarly tragic origin stories—childhood homes rife with emotional neglect and abuse.

Because the codependent is defined by their desire to feel needed, and the narcissist is defined by their desire to feel both superior to and validated by others, they often end up in each other’s orbit. In the narcissist, the codependent finds someone who needs their attention. In contrast, the narcissist finds the codependent to be a willing, even eager victim, always ready to give.

Despite how differently these two personality types behave, they share a common origin story—and often end up entangled with each other later on in life.

Disorders of Identity

Both narcissism and codependency are survival mechanisms developed in response to neglect and abuse, rooted in feelings of low self-esteem, lack of safety, and insecurity. Wounds like these can run quite deep, and aren’t always easy to understand. Both codependents and narcissists seek validation from outside sources. Narcissists seek it in the form of attention and praise from others, while their counterparts, the codependents, sacrifice and give at their own expense in pursuit of gratitude and a feeling of being wanted or needed.

Narcissists are often described as shapeshifters. They adapt to the people around them, skillfully presenting themselves in a way that’s most likely to earn them praise and adoration. Narcissists often crave the spotlight. In order to feel good about themselves, they need to feel superior to others or be the center of attention. Codependents, in contrast are selfless to a fault. They give and give in order to make themselves necessary, because only when they feel needed can they feel safe and secure in a relationship.

Codependent-Narcissistic Relationships

A relationship between a codependent and narcissist can, at first, seem like a match made in heaven. The codependent’s desire to feel needed is matched by the narcissist’s need for constant attention. At first, they fill these roles nicely in each other’s lives. Over time, the narcissist is incapable of admitting that they need the attention provided by the codependent. They may even resent it.

In contrast, the codependent, denied the gratitude that they want, may come to resent the narcissist. While the early stage of the relationship is often a blissful honeymoon period, the narcissist quickly tires of their codependent and begins pursuing attention and validation from other sources.

When confronted with their faults, narcissists will often respond by gaslighting their partners or lying to them. The ensuing drama is catnip to a narcissist, who may use it to reinforce their feelings of superiority. Often, they'll do this by bad-mouthing their codependent partner to friends and acquaintances. In these cases, the narcissist will usually present themselves as both victim and hero of the situation. The codependent, meanwhile, may desperately try to regain the narcissist’s affection. This is an attempt to recapture that golden glow of the early relationship when they felt needed and desired.

Counseling

Codependency and narcissism are complex behavior patterns that are not always easily recognized or understood. It’s important to reach out to a therapist for support if you believe you or your partner may be struggling with codependency or narcissism. These behaviors can be controlled and managed with awareness and support. I use a variety of therapeutic modalities to help clients process unresolved trauma that may be influencing their behavior. Please don’t hesitate to reach out for more information about couples therapy or individual therapy and how it can help with codependency issues.