As Christians, marriage plays a special role in our lives. We are called to it by God. It forms the foundation of our families, our communities, and our churches. Marriage is so important to us that many Christians plan their lives around it. Because of that, for some, dating isn’t a hobby or an easy pursuit, it’s a sacred mission with a very specific goal. That’s a lot of pressure!

It’s important to take a step and think about what happens when we put all that pressure on ourselves. What does it look like if we want something so badly we rush into things before we’re ready? What if we’re so worried about making sure that something is perfect that we never feel comfortable committing?

How long should we date before getting married, as Christians? It’s such an important question, and there’s no clear answer! What we can do is consider different questions we should be asking ourselves before we’re ready to commit to marriage.

Is There Trust?

Trust is something that is built together, rather than something that should be given freely. We’re often tempted to give trust to people without a second thought, but the truth is that a prospective spouse or partner should earn our love by modeling trustworthy behavior.

Consider the following:

• Do I feel safe with this person?

• Does this person make good choices?

• Do their actions match their words?

Marriage is a partnership. If you look at the heart of any healthy partnership, you will find trust.

Is There Respect?

This is a broad question, but it’s an important one. Don’t think about this just in terms of whether or not your partner respects you. More broadly: do they respect themselves? Do they respect God? And in those moments where they slip up, do they show humility? Do they show grace toward others?

Is There Affection?

It’s easy to get caught up in chemistry but consider this—are you more worried about attraction or affection? It doesn’t matter how beautiful your bride is, or how broad your husband’s shoulders are—if there isn’t affection between the two of you, you’ll find that the two of you are making a lonely marriage for yourselves.

It is crucially important to have honest discussions before marriage about what your needs and expectations are when it comes to affection. And affection doesn’t just mean sex—it is warmth, tenderness, and physical comfort. Can you offer that to this person? Can they offer it to you?

Community

When dating, people have a tendency to withdraw from friends and family. In some ways, that’s only natural. A new relationship is exciting—and it's easy to get lost in that and lose objectivity. When you’re thinking about whether or not you want to marry someone, check in with people whose opinions you truly trust and can feel safe soliciting.

Step outside yourself. If this person were marrying one of your friends, would you be happy for them, or worried about them? Would you be worried your friend was overlooking red flags?

The Road to Marriage

Instead of thinking about hard numbers—six months—twelve months—a year—it might be helpful to think of dating as a journey with a specific goal in mind. While you’re on that journey, take the time to ask yourself and your potential spouse hard questions about what your marriage would look like…

Above all, in your morning quiet time with the Lord, ask Him to show you any of His concerns. Then listen…sit in the quietness and listen for His answer. Your first love should be Jesus, so notice if you have moved Jesus to 2nd place below your love of this person. If so, this indicates that you need to hit a pause button and return to Him first.

If you are unsure if marriage is the right choice for you and your partner, consider contacting me for premarital counseling. It can help you determine what you two still need to talk about and explore in your relationship.