Most people have ever found dating to be the easiest or most intuitive process. Even before the era of hookup apps and dating sites, navigating a smoke-filled bar or getting set up with a friend on a blind date was a risky endeavor. To most of us, dating feels like a muddy mess. People all come with their own sets of expectations, fears, and hopes. No one teaches how to navigate through all that. For that matter, no one even teaches us how to understand and express what we want!

Luckily, there are some tools available to help us understand how we function in relationships. In the 1960s and 1970s, Mary Ainsworth developed Attachment Styles based on the work of John Bowlby. There are four core attachment styles that influence how people behave in a relationship. Here are the four attachment styles—along with a brief description of how they might be impacting your dating life.

Secure Attachment Style

The wild unicorn of attachment styles. These individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and seek it out in their relationships. They trust their partners, communicate their needs and desires, and aren’t threatened by their partner’s independence. People with a secure attachment style are equally happy being with someone or being on their own.

Signs of a Secure Attachment Style

• Balances their needs and their partner’s needs fairly.

• Maintains a positive attitude \ sense of self.

• Encourages independence and growth in their partners.

• Respects & maintains healthy boundaries.

Dating someone with a Secure Attachment Style

• Respect their need for independence.

• Communicate your needs clearly, listen to theirs.

• Work with them to establish clear goals and boundaries.

Anxious-Preoccupied

This attachment style describes the worry warriors of the dating scene. They’re always three steps ahead, trying to map out everything that could go wrong. Often, this is due to a deep-seated fear of abandonment. It may show up as clinginess or neediness. These folks need constant reassurance, but they often still feel insecure even when they’re getting it.

Signs of an Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style

• Preoccupation with how their partner is spending their time.

• Struggles with feelings of jealousy and insecurity

• Difficult regulating emotions; prone to outbursts.

Dating someone with an Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style

• Be Patient & Supportive

• Build Trust by being open & honest

• Maintain transparency; own your flaws.

Dismissive-Avoidant

If claustrophobia could be a dating style, this would be it. People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style avoid intimacy and emotional vulnerability. Sometimes they’ve been burned in the past, other times it’s a matter of prizing their own independence over the possibility of losing their identity in a relationship. Communication is not their strong suit.

Signs of a Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style

• Prioritizes their independence over commitment and intimacy.

• Downplays the importance of healthy communication & emotional vulnerability.

• Difficulty opening up about their feelings, or the needs of their partners.

Dating someone with a Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style

• Evaluate whether your partner is able to meet your needs.

• Avoid being too dependent or clingy; offer independence.

• Establish scheduled check-ins and routine communication.

Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant)

Some people crave the closeness and intimacy of a relationship, while simultaneously dreading what they see as the inevitable pain coming down the line. The push-pull of this relationship dynamic can be hard both on the person whose attachment style it is, and their partners. Individuals with this attachment style often struggle with trust and vulnerability, holding parts of themselves in reserve because they’ve learned to fear and expect rejection.

Signs of a Disorganized Attachment Style

• Push \ Pull of desire for closeness followed by withdrawal.

• Struggles to show trust and vulnerability and communicate.

• May secretly hold a negative view of themselves.

Dating someone with a Disorganized Attachment Style

• Be patient & consistent; recognize the push \ pull whirlwind isn't about you.

• Establish trust; listen without judgment.

• Encourage them to seek support \ therapy.

Counseling

If you’re having trouble navigating the dating scene and think your attachment style might be impacting your relationships, please reach out. Your attachment style is formed early on in life. While it can be difficult to change your attachment style completely, it is possible. There are also lots of tools and techniques you can use to manage and navigate not only your own attachment style, but the attachment style of a prospective romantic partner for couples therapy.