There are a lot of emotions that happen in the wake of a divorce. It's common for people to simultaneously feel excitement and relief as well as grief. While these feelings seem opposed on the surface, they’re actually quite closely linked.

Divorce is an end as well as a beginning. It’s wonderful to be excited about what comes next—but sometimes you need to take some time to grieve for what you hoped might have been.

What is Grief?

We tend to think of grief as a response to death, but it’s far more complex. Grief is a mechanism by which people process change. You can grieve a friendship, a job, a marriage, lost hope, etc. It’s best to think of grief as a process that helps us sit with the past so that we can make room for the future. Having these feelings after a divorce isn’t a sign of failure, or that you’ve made a terrible mistake. It’s a normal part of being human.

Typically, grief is defined as a multi-step process. Below we’ll examine the various stages of grief, and how they might appear in relation to a divorce.

Denial

This stage of grief may present as a need to maintain old patterns and traditions even after the divorce has been finalized. Whether that’s a hope that your ex will come around and want to rekindle your relationship, or a desire to continue taking family vacations and holidays together. You or your ex may have come to rely on each other for taking care of different responsibilities that you now have to deal with on your own.

Anger

Feelings of anger during a divorce, especially a contentious one, are not unusual. Anger is often our first response when our expectations don’t match our reality. Neither you nor your partner went into your marriage hoping for divorce. You both likely held visions of what future you might build together, and now confront the loss of that future.

It’s normal to be angry, it’s important to remember that your marriage likely wasn’t making you happy, either.

Bargaining

During or after a divorce, it’s common for people to think about things that could have happened differently. You convince yourself that you or your partner will change—that would do things differently if you got back together. Many couples end up flirting with getting back together, only to remind themselves why they needed to be apart.

Use this as an opportunity to plan for changes you want to make for yourself. Who do you want to be? What changes could you make that would help you feel better about yourself?

Depression

In the aftermath of a divorce, there’s a period of upheaval and change. it’s not uncommon for people to go through a period of isolation.  You may need to rediscover your own identity. In fact, who are you, and what will bring you back to joy may be the lingering question after a divorce. That loss of identity is an opportunity for you to find yourself, and build a new identity apart from the label of divorced.

It is common for those I work with to find their original purpose of worshipping Christ was clouded by the worship of their spouse and the idea of marriage. This is because many of us are taught from the time we’re very young that love and marriage are the primary purposes of life. 

After a divorce, it’s not uncommon for people to go through a period of isolation.  When you’re going through the process of divorce, along with the isolation, there are often feelings of shame, embarrassment, and disillusionment or hopelessness that come with it. Many feel unworthy, not enough, and often place a label of failure on themselves.

Divorce can be a refocus. 

Acceptance

Finally, acceptance. The need for new traditions and patterns becomes apparent. You will find new hobbies and interests. You will find new ways to fill your time and make new friends. You may realize who you were all along and redefine yourself into a stronger you who relies on the Holy Spirit instead of a spouse.

Getting Support

If you’re struggling with feelings of grief, consider joining a support group or getting in touch with a qualified therapist. Grief after divorce is a natural part of the healing process, but it isn’t something you have to go through alone—community, friends, and therapists can all help you through this difficult time. Feel free to reach out if you need help with this new transition in grief counseling.